The Joke Collection - 3

By continuing, you accept that many of the jokes will be potentially offensive, and that you will not be bothered by this fact.  You also confirm that you are of an age which legally allows you to read such material in the country where you live.

I will not be interested in any complaints from people who, having read this warning, choose to continue regardless.

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Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He flicked it on.  "It represents a candle," he said.  "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.  St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

"That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.  "Thanks", the girl says.  The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.  "Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.  Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.  Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.  The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks" came the reply.  "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.  Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said.  "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching football on the telly when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.  When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

"Your horse called."

• Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratch arse should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
• Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

"Hello, is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".  Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".  St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.  We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.  A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.  "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.  The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".  "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.  An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.  When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ..... "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in the bed!!"

His mother answers, "No, dear.  Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"

"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"

"He used to."

"What made him stop ?"

"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that ?'"

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.  The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.  He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.  Mine was a tongue twister too.  I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of corn flakes, honey." But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centred, fat-arsed bitch."

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile...
But fart just one damn time ...

1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

The monks fed him and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.  The man slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.  The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.  "We're sorry," the monks said.  "We can't tell you about the sound.  You're not a monk."

Disappointed, the man went on his way and pondered the source of the alluring sound for several years.  One day he again stopped at the monastery, and explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay that he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.  Late that night, he again heard the strange, beautiful sound.  The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound but he monks gave him the same answer as before.  "We're sorry.  We can't tell you about the sound.  You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.  He decided to give up everything to become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound.  He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming one of them.  Seventeen long years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.  When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door.  He opened the door with a golden key.  The door swung open to reveal a second door, this one of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.  The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful and mysterious sound he had heard so many years before ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But I can't tell you what it was.  You're not a monk.

"Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.  She did.  He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.  Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.  One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.  They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.  "This is heaven," St. Peter replied.  "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.  "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man.  "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.  "That's the best part," St. Peter replied.  "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.  This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.  "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins.  We could have been here ten years ago!"

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.  The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.  Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.  He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.  "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.  "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all.  They're just three Scottish coal-miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.  They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle.  Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.  None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.  At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

In the middle of a gynaecologists conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various interesting cases they have recently treated.

French gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was zis woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris .......eet was like a melon".

English gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd my good man, it could not possibly have been that big, the poor woman wouldn't have been able to walk if it was".

French gynaecologist : "O la la, you eengleesh, zer you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze taste..

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter paused, then replied "Your timing is amazing.  We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.  You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.  The salary package is £200,000 a year.".

The scouser said "Nah, you're bullsh!tting me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you f#ckin' started it!".

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma.  This is a Kansas duck.  You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck.  This duck's from Arkansas.  You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck.  This here duck's from South Carolina.  You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him.  After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home.  He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.  Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects.  So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.  She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek.  At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on.  Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.  He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.  It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.  He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.  He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.  This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.  He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air.  But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.  He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.  He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

I have been engaged for almost a year.  I am to be married next month.  My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding.  She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.  She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.  Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation.  I headed straight out the front door . . .

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.  He was smiling.  He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.  I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

• A jump-lead walks into a bar.  The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  
  
• A sandwich walks into a bar.  The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  
  
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  
  
• A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
  
  
• A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
  A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
  The man says "A premature ejaculation".
  "What?" says the woman.
  The man says "I've just come in my pants."
  
  
• Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.  The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
  
  
• Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  
  
• A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.  Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  
  
• A man walks into the doctors.
  "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
  "Is it common?"
  "It's not unusual."
• Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
  "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
  "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
  
  
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.  The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
  
  
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
  One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
  The other says, "Are you sure?"
  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  
  
• Answer phone message"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
  
  
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
  
  
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
  My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
  "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
  "No, because he's really heavy"
  
  
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  
  
• I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf, but he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
  
  
• My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  He was pulled in by a strong currant.
  
  
• A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
  He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
  The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
  
  
• I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
  
  
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  
  
• A man walks into doctor's office.
  "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
  "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
  "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
  "Like a glove."
  
  
• Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.
  
  
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
  
  
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says "dam"
  
  
• Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
   
   
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
   
   
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
   
   
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   
   
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
   
   
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.  Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
   
   
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.  The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
   
   
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
   
   
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
   
   
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.  Previous players have been known to be come irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
    
    
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.  More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
    
    
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
    
    
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
    
    
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
    
    
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
    
    
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.  Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.  For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

The Doctor tells him he will look into it for him and get back to him later.

The old guy's wife is next to see the doctor and while she is sitting on the exam table the doctor asks...I"I have a question you may help me with, it seems your husband has told me that when he makes love with you the first time he gets all hot and then on the second time he gets all cold and shivers, would you know anything about this"?

"Ahhh that ol fart", replies the wife, " The first time we make love is in July and the second time is in December"!!!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh.  Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.  "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.  While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.  Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.  You've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here.  We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure.  We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice.  Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.  The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.  Make more money, that way.  No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.  Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

• If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  
  
• Manchester United fans.  Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead.  It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
  
  
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  
  
• Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
  
  
• Weight watchers.  Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  
  
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
  
  
• Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
  
  
• Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
  
  
• Girls.  Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
  
  
• Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
  
  
• X-Files fans.  Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.  You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
  
  
• Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.  Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
  
  
• Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
  
  
• Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
  
  
• Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
  
  
• Anorexics.  When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
  
  
• A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
  
  
• Hijackers.  Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
  
  
• An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  
  
• Olympic athletes.  Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada.
  
  
• Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
  
  
• Weedy fellas.  Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
  
  
• Smokers.  Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
  
  
• Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.  Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
  
  
• Invited by vegetarians out for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
  
  
• Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'.  Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.  See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
  
  
• Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
  
  
• Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
  
  
• High blood pressure sufferers.  Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
  
  
• Heavy smokers.  Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes.  Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
  
  
• Motorists.  Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
  
  
• Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.
  
  
• Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days.  Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replacethe JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description.  Watch their faces in the morning!
  
  
• Have all your dumps at work.  Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
  
  
• Nissan Micra drivers.  Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey.  You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
  
  
• A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Cinderella was now 75 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.  Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.  Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed.  "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.  Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.  "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."

At once, her wish was granted.  Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change, and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.  Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.  Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she had ever seen.  Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.  He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, "bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note.  Thoughtful, but not too personal.  Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.  During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items.  The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:

Dear Daphne
I chose these because you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings.  If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.  These are a delicate shade.  The shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.  I had her try yours on for me and although they were a little tight they looked really smart.  She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny.  In fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them.  I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.  When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will be naturally damp from wearing.  Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

Happy Birthday

All my love

Stuart

PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands.  During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running.  He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed.  The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town.  He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window.  The American tourist entered the shop.  Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.

TOURIST: Hello.

JEWISH MAN: Hello.

TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.

JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches.  I am a Mohel.

TOURIST What's a Mohel?

JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.

TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in the window?!

JEWISH MAN: So what would you suggest I have in my window?

These sound suspiciously like Tommy Cooper jokes ...

• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
  
  
• So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".  He said "Eurostar?".  I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
  
  
• So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".  He said "How flexible are you?".  I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
  
  
• So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.  It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
  He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
  
  
• Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags: he's bisatchel.
  
  
• But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.  I can hardly contain myself.
  
  
• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
  
  
• So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
  
  
• So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts".  He said "Baa", I said Moo", he said "You're closest".
  
  
• You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  
  
• The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
  
  
• So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
  
  
• So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".  I said "Waiter, I asked for A-ROM-ATIC duck".
  
  
• But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.
  
  
• Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Marmite it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
  
  
• So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
  
  
• Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
  
  
• So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.  I said "Are you two an item?".
  
  
• So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

One day a mum was cleaning he son's room and in the wardrobe she found a bondage S&M magazine.  This was highly upsetting for her.  She hid the magazine until his dad got home and showed it to him.  He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.  She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

HI AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE!

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep - or before the beep - or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.  All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.

Announcer Gaffes

• Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
  
  
• Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
  
  
• Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
  
  
• Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."
  
  
• Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
  
  
• Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
  
  
• David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied.  "I've come across quite a few in my time."
  
  
• Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
  
  
• Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
  
  
• Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."
  
  
• Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
  
  
• James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
  
  
• Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
  
  
• Steve Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."
  
  
• Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of you."
  
  
• Expert David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
  
  
• Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
  
  
• James Dibble - ABC News reader: "A Sydney woman was bitten on the funnel by a finger web spider."

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetamophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, advil is abuprofen, and so on..........

The FDA have been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and has announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course, ibepokin...

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
• The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

• The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
• The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
• The third worm in sperm --- dead.
• The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said.  "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50.  Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.  Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers.  Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20.  Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.  The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.  Tidy yerself up a bit."

How to give the cat a pill ...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
   
   
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
   
   
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
   
   
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
   
   
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.
   
   
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
   
   
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
   
   
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
   
   
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
   
   
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    
    
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.  Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    
    
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil-wrap.
    
    
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
    
    
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    
    
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give the dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship.  It was also before commercial fertiliser's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.  It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.  Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.  After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

(This is not intended to be real, and is in fact total nonsense.  The word actually comes from Old English (and German) and is found in similar form in many Germanic languages.  See Snopes for the full etymology of the word.)

Insurance Claims

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes.  These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine ...

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.  I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow.  The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"Three men approached me from the minibus.  I thought they were coming to apologise.  Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face.  I knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken.  Cause unknown.  Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

This arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Fosters or Tooheys?"

I said, "There 's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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