The Joke Collection - 2

By continuing, you accept that many of the jokes will be potentially offensive, and that you will not be bothered by this fact.  You also confirm that you are of an age which legally allows you to read such material in the country where you live.

I will not be interested in any complaints from people who, having read this warning, choose to continue regardless.

Humour Index

Main Index

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

1. choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
2. you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
3. in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
4. the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
5. at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
6. you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
7. you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
8. you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
9. you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
10. you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
11. you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
12. you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
13. you know what "http://" stands for.
14. you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
15. you see a good design and still have to change it.
16. you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
17. you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
18. you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
19. you window shop at Radio Shack
20. your laptop computer costs more than your car
21. your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
22. you've already calculated how much you make per second.
23. you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Take One:

Q   What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A   Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Two:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when asked said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want'."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice.  The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.  To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those chaps? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper.  Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind firemen.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Buy a Pentium 4 1.4GHz so you can reboot faster
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
Anything that can go wrong, always does.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
The best file compression around: \"DEL *.*\" = 100% compression.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Bad command.  Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Every solution breeds new problems.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed up and automate errors.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Following are actual headlines appearing in newspapers & magazines all over the world.  They're quite funny....

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

A guy and a girl meet in a lift.
The guy asks, "Which floor?" The girl says, "Third floor."
The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, "Oh, going to give blood, I see."
She says, "Yup, it's worth $30.00.
Which floor are you going to?" He replies, "Sixth."
She says, "Oh, that's the sperm bank!"
He nods and says, "Right! and it's worth $60.00!"

A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the lift again.  The guy says, "Third floor again?"
The girl, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers.

Little Johnny has a LOT to answer for ...

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.  Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.  Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.  Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.  Pretty soon Mummy starts moaning and gasping.  Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mum, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mum heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.  All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.  He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.  The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.  "My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.  "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.  One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.  When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.  Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning.  Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny.  He began stomping on them in his temper.  His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.  His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.  She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.  To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.  But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.  One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," said the teacher.  "My mummy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.  Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.  With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.  "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.  He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.  And they all attacked at one time.  And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled,

"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

Three doctors are in the duck pond and a bird flies overhead.  The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over.  The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim.  She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please!

I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR." The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.  "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."

An attorney was cross-examining a coroner.  The attorney asks, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The lawyer then asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"

"No" says the coroner.  "Did you check for breathing?" Again, the coroner says, "No." "So," the lawyer continues, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any of the usual steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, says, "Well, let me put it this way.  The man's smashed brain was sitting in a police labeled jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could have been out there practicing law somewhere."

Then there was the story about a boy who asked his father what the difference was between aggravation, irritation and frustration.  Dad picks up the phone and dialls a number at random.  When the phone is answered he asks,

"Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here." The call is terminated.
"That's irritation," said Dad.

He picked up the phone again, dialled the same number and asked for Alf again.  "No - there's no one here called Alf.  Go away.  If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation," said Dad.

"Dad, what's frustration?" Dad picks up the phone and dials a third time.  The same person picks up the phone.  Dad says, "Hello.  This is Alf.  Has anyone left any messages for me?

From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder.  They compiled some really outstanding graffiti:

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-- Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill.  Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-- Written in the dust on the back of a bus.  Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.  --Hell, do both, get married!
-- Women's restroom, The Filling Station.  Bozeman, Montana.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort.  Dallas, Texas.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.  When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.  When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the publican?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.  "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.  "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest.  He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.  "What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest.  "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church.  I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest.  'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail.  She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest.  "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good night's sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home.  The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him.  When the priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed ...

"And that your Honour is the case for the Defence ..."

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.  "What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season.  The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something.  Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field.

The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH !'" ( .... not Bitch..... )

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant.  The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.  "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.

The waiter nods.  "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

Question Time

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat.  Who gets saved?
A. The nation.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.  At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs.  I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."

The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."

One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.  He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"

"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies.  "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

Five Stages of Drunkenness ...

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe.  You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.  At this stage you are always RIGHT.  And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG.  this makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.  You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.  Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.  You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.  You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets.  It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.  You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.  This is because nothing can hurt you.  At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money.  You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness.  at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.  You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.  You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Please complete this questionaire

1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear.  She is obviously:

a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

4. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Letterman's top ten.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7.Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9.A prostitute is:

a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

10. A wife is:

a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. Masturbation is:

a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

12. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:

a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

13. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:

a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

14. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to the main course.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

15. The slogan that sums up your sexual morals is:

a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

16. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:

a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.

17.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

18. A woman who is uncomfortable seeing you naked...

a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Marriage:

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... Then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

6. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

7. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

8. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her while she speaks.

9. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

10. A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall.

His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know!

I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies.

Mum says, "That's great! How do you do that?"

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Johnny's mum is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!"

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mum how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me," Dad asks.

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job!"

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks.

"Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.

"What's daddy doing?"

"He's my partner, now run along."

A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?"

"Ummm, dancing."

"What's your boyfriend doing?"

"He's my partner, now get out of here!"

Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house.

Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.

"What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.

"Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather.

"Well, where is your partner?"

His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him.

But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and its got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a 20 cent coin, but I like your thinking!

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep you neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Handling Airline Disasters

Lufthansa

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.  Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement:

Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.  All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.  For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...

THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA

British Airways

This is Captain Sinclair speaking.  On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.  We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesse.  This is a recorded message..."

Air France

There once was a flight heading from London to New York.  Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...

"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking.  I have a bit of bad news for you.  We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines.  But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late."

Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life...

"This is again your Captain.  We have lost an engine on our starboard wing.  But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines.  Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."

The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system...

"Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear.  We can still make it using only one engine.  But now we will be six hours late. "

On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said:

"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine.  We'll be up here all night!"

Philippine Airlines

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Ama-namin speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.  Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others.  And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean.  Please wear your life vest.

We are going to crashland this plane into the water.  In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me:

'Our Father Who art in Heaven..........' "

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in, immediately.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls up Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there; send him back!"

Satan: "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God: (shouting) "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

News of the Weird, March 14, 1997

LEAD STORIES

• 
  Medical Breakthroughs: In February, surgeons removed a cataract from the eye of the National Zoo's 6-foot-long Komodo dragon "Muffin" in the hope that she could better see how studly the male "Friendty" was and thus would mate with him.  And in January, doctors in Johannesburg, South Africa, performed spinal surgery on a 10-foot-long python, which had been run over by a car.  Contrary to what one's eyes tell us, the python has 306 vertebra and 268 ribs.) And in Jackson, Mich., in February veterinarian Timothy England fitted a stray rooster with artificial legs after he had to amputate his natural ones because of frostbite.
• 
  Gas in the News: Janesville, Wis., police responded to a 911 call in December over a domestic disturbance begun, said the wife, when the husband inappropriately passed gas as they were tucking their son into bed.  And in January in Perth, Australia, John Douglas Young, 47, was convicted of a child-abuse charge for attempting to hire two boys for $5 each to pass gas in his face so that, according to the man, he could later masturbate to the "mental picture" of the encounter.  (Young's unsuccessful defense was in part to recite a long list of movies, literature, and TV shows in which gas-passing was a popular theme, e.g., "Benny Hill.")
• 
  In March, Ms. Nadean Cool won a settlement of $2.4 million in her lawsuit in Appleton, Wis., against her former psychotherapist Dr. Kenneth Olson.  She claimed that he had first persuaded her that she had a Multiple-Personality Disorder (120 personalities, including Satan and a duck) and then billed her insurance company for "group" therapy because he said he had to counsel so many people.  (Olson, seeking greener pastures for his psychotherapy business, had since moved to Montana.)

CREME DE LA WEIRD

• 
  In October, the Washington Supreme Court reversed on a technicality the conviction of Benjamin R. Hull, who had been found guilty of defrauding the state worker compensation office.  Hull admitted that he got a friend to help him blast a hole in his left leg below the knee with a shotgun, but insisted it was not to get compensation (he received $96,000) but because the knee has been so painful to him since 1973 after it was injured in an accident.  (Five years earlier, he had tried to take the leg off with a chain saw, but got only part-way through because the saw kept malfunctioning.)
• 
  In January, the Australian Medical Journal reported a case of lead poisoning by an electrician who chewed electrical cable to satisfy his nicotine urge when he was forced to work in no-smoking buildings.  The man said he chewed almost a yard of cable a day for nearly ten years because it had a sweet taste, especially near the centre.
• 
  Larry Doyen, 22, was hospitalised in December after chaining himself to a tree just outside the town of Mexico, Maine.  He was rescued by the state Warden Service after spending two weeks with the tree.  It was the third time he had done that in recent months.
• 
  In November, a 50-year-old man was arrested in Albuquerque, N. Mex., on a complaint by his 13-year-old stepdaughter that he made her perform a series of bizarre acts written out on index cards and which were supposedly to toughen her in her quest to get a learner's driving permit.  According to the complaint, the girl was allowed to drive the truck until the man turned up an index card with an instruction, which she had to follow before driving some more.  Among other things, the cards called for her to pour shampoo and dirt into her hair; wear a dog collar; do sit-ups; stand naked in the glare of the truck's headlights; and stand tied to a bar and with a ball in her mouth.

FEUDS

• 
  Continental Airlines filed a lawsuit in November in Newark, N.J., against Deborah Loeding, who the airlines said endangered passengers in order to get revenge on her ex-husband/pilot.  Ms. Loeding had baked him some bread, but unknown to him, had laced it with marijuana so that he would fail the airline's drug test and get fired, which did happen, although he was later reinstated when Continental learned what happened.
• 
  In October, a judge in Baton Rouge, La., abruptly called a mistrial in the 8-year-old lawsuit filed by Mary Ann Turner, now 56, against ex-husband (and anesthesetist) Alan Ostrowe, proclaiming that her testimony was overly theatrical.  According to Turner, when she was hospitalised for birth-canal surgery in 1972, Ostrowe, without her permission, persuaded the surgeons to remove her clitoral hood because, according to the couple's eldest son, his father needed to "control my mother's sexuality in order to compensate for his sexual inadequacies."
• 
  In Jakarta, Indonesia, in January, Reuters news service reported that a 29-year-old woman, upset with her unfaithful boyfriend (identified only as Tu), went to the crowded karaoke bar where he works and released a half dozen cobras onto the premises.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

• 
  On an Israeli TV program in January, Hamas militant Rashid Saqqer, who was captured by the PLO last year before he could carry out a scheduled suicide bombing in Israel, waxed rhapsodic about his love of soccer.  He said he was such a fan that "I couldn't [kill myself] in [an Israeli] soccer stadium.  Yes, they are Zionists [and] unbelievers.  But I couldn't do it [there]."
• 
  According to Vladimir Zelentin, 40, testifying in January in New York City against his cousin Rita Gluzman, 47, Rita planned the murder of her husband, talked Zelentin into being the hit man, and calmly bought all the murder supplies at Home Depot.  However, according to Zelentin, when he went to light up a victory cigarette in her kitchen after the axe-slaying, she screamed at him, "No smoking [in here]!"
• 
  The New York Times reported in November on the project by the Picatinny Arsenal in Rockaway Township, N. Y., to create more environmentally friendly bullets while still maintaining the bullets' killing power.  (Three years ago, the federal government closed a nearby firing range because spent, leaded bullets were contaminating the soil so as to endanger people and animals.)

UPDATE

• 
  In 1995 the Brazilian government's AIDS-awareness campaign made News of the Weird because several men named Braulio had complained publicly of their humiliation that the main character in the advertising spots - a talking penis - was named Braulio.  In January 1997, the campaign re-emerged with the main character an unnamed, variously-costumed turkey (which is itself a double entendre).

LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINAL

• 
  In January, Michael Coulter, 32, was arrested for shoplifting in Cookstown, Ireland, having made off with shoes, socks, and boxer shorts.  Coulter was not difficult to spot during his getaway.  He is reported to be the tallest man in Ireland, at 7-foot-5.  Said one officer, "Everyone knows him, and you can see him coming a mile away."

Medical Emergencies

• 
  A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
• 
  A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain.  During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut.  Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
• 
  A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER.  The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition.  The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on.  During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner.  After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth.  After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
• 
  A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime.  And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.  She became known as "The Human Couch".
• 
  A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.  Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
• 
  A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum.  Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance.
  All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out.  On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon.  We're having a Butt-luck supper".  (How embarrassing is that!)
• 
  An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.  When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money.  His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
• 
  An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).  A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina.  Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault.  It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato.  It was, indeed, a potato.  The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
• 
  The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 am with a complaint of belly button lint.
• 
  A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain.  During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.  The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.  The doctor went back to the young female's room.  Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.  Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
  
  Patient: "Sexually active?   No, sir, I just lay there."
  Doctor: "I see.  Well, do you know who the father is?"
  Patient: "No.  Who?"
• 
  A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.  After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.  "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
• 
  A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crack" methamphetamine that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.  Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"
• 
  A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.  She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.  "I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle.  Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.  "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic.  "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.  "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.  "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.  In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.  The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.  The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?.  "One" said the young salesman.

"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.  How much was the sale worth?

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars "said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.  Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.  I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.  I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.  Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's screwed, you may as well go fishing."

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.  "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.  "We got her!" replied the barkeep."She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.  He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

Creative Answering Machine Messages ...

"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her CD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, press 1. If you wish to speak to Lynn, press 2. If you have a wrong number, press 3. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press hash, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar notes. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

I'm gone.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

This is David. Talk to me.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached the number you have dialled. Please leave a message after the beep.

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ....

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

"Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now - he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly - some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words:
orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.]

Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing. We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and number.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess
it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage - my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

[Dalek Voice (as in Dr Who - Dr Who? ... never mind)]

I am an answering machine ... Leave me a message to pass on to my masters ... or you will be ... exterminated!

SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM ...

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor ...
14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth!
17. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
18. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is ... uh ..."
19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
20. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
21. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
22. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
24. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
25. I'm not drunk ... you're just sober ...
26. Roseanne looks good.
27. You don't recognise your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
28. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
29. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
30. You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
32. You've fallen and you can't get up.
33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
34. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.  He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit.  9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit.  9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.  Boom! he hits it 200mm from the cup.  He is shocked.  He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.  `You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies ...
"Ribbit.  Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.  "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit.  3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.  By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply,
"Ribbit.  Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit.  Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies,
"Ribbit.  $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.  Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.  He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.  With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.  At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A woman gets on a city bus.  She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute.  She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents.  Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.  Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark..."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, "She replied, 'Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!'"

A penguin is on holiday in Australia, and while driving through the Red Centre, he notices that the oil pressure gauge is indicating a problem.  So he gets out to look and notices oil oozing out of the motor.  He drives to the nearest town where he stops at the first repair shop.

After dropping the car off, he goes for a walk around town.  He sees an ice cream shop and being a penguin in Central Australia, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.  He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.  He finishes his ice cream and goes back to the mechanic shop.  He asks the mechanic if he has determined the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream."

PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING TECHNICAL PROBLEM - ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH DOGS............

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).  When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation.  This method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.  The British Telecom repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring.  He tried again.

The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar in the lady's garden.
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground..
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring..

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just urinating on them.  (But only temporarily..)

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.  He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane.  The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened.  We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.  About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet.  Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that.  Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane.  I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.  He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then.  He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.  Finally he called over the Jump Master.  The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.  He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'

I said, 'No, sir.  I'm too scared.'

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.  I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'

So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

This actually happened .....
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (Xxxxx 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944.  But I didn't stop".

True story from the WordPerfect help line.  Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"
"They disappeared."

"Hmm.  So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."

"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind.  Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."

"Great.  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall socket"
"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."

"Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."

"Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."

"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good.  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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